Yesterday it was 3 months since Zakk left us far too soon. I continue to miss him so much and long to nurse him again. I would give anything just to have him back even for a few minutes. Life is not easy but I struggle on with the help of friends and family. I try to be a good Mum to my other children and hope and pray I'm not failing miserably. They are so important to me but I think it will take me a long time to come to terms with the loss of my baby boy and the tears are always there bubbling just under the surface.
This morning I reluctantly opened my blinds for the first time, I'm not sure why its taken me so long but I think I just didnt want to let the world in and I dont want to feel that I'm moving on or that Zakk is being forgotten about. I'm sure some of the neighbours must have thought it was a bit strange. Last year someone who lives near me died, I always used to see him sitting by the window watching the world and I noticed that his wife did not open her living room blind again. I used to wonder why but now I understand.
Today I told myself it was Ok to let the light in because I know no matter what else happens in my life I will never forget about Zakk, and I know a few other people who will remember him with me always. My life will never be the same again no matter what I do or where I go and I will carry Zakk with me in my heart everywhere.
I know too that normal life goes on even though I dont want it to and as much as I resist I have to go on too. Today that is beginning to rest a little easier on my shoulders as I feel the spirit of my boy who fought so hard for his own life, willing me to go on with mine. As much as I dread the future without him, and mourn the loss of the life he could have had with us, I know that can never be no matter how much I wish it.
Last night as I left Zakk I was badly in need of some reassurance that he was OK and somewhere better, happily watching over me. He has a little angel with a light on his grave and it wasn't working despite my best efforts to fix it. The first words I heard as I got into the car and switched on the engine were from the chorus of a snow patrol song (run) "light up, light up, as if you have a choice, even if you cannot hear my voice, I'll be right beside you dear." I'm taking it as my sign and doing the best I can Son.